Posted 3 years ago

Meme generator going down has officially reduced useless tumblr posts by 58%, according to a report I just made up.

Posted 3 years ago
As parents, we can have no joy, knowing that this government is not sufficiently lasting to ensure anything which may bequeath to posterity: And by a plain method of argument, as we are running the next generation into debt, we must do the work of it, otherwise we use them meanly and pitifully.
Thomas Paine, Common Sense, 1776
Posted 3 years ago

A rant.

Just went to go eat breakfast. Good Morning America was on one of the TVs in the dining hall, and they were attempting to tout three different medical procedures for your skin. Everything about it was ridiculously moronic. Here is a summary:

The first was a device that looked to break up cellulite or something. I don’t know, I was enjoying my scone for a minute or so and I looked up just after it segwayed. Anyway, the person modeling for the demonstration (which involved her sitting in a chair while this Wii controller plugged into a box fired some sort of magical vibration) looked in pain while it was happening. Apparently, it costs $500 per procedure, and $3,000 for the total number of sessions you’ll need. I’ve got an idea: give me $500, and you’ll only need one procedure for preventing cellulite. It’s called eat less and move more so you don’t get fat in the first place you dumb bitch. If you’ve failed at that initially, then work out more. It does go away eventually.

The second device was something that I guess is supposed to get rid of stretch marks. This despite the fact that the girl used for the demonstration of it looked 15 years old. The before and after pictures looked good, but there’s nothing the blur tool on Photoshop can’t do to suck $5k out of a woman’s pocketbook. That’s right, this laser procedure to get rid of stretch marks costs $5,000, and takes several weeks. Know what else takes several weeks and can get rid of stretch marks? Toning exercises. A gym membership is $200. A floormat is $20. Situps are free. Do the math.

The third procedure wasn’t a machine; it was a special medicine to get rid of sun damage on your skin. It looked like it worked, but again: blur tool. Anyway, if you weren’t fucktarded you’d know that wearing sunscreen and not going out in the sun too long or tanning constantly would mean that you don’t get sun damage. So preventive care such as not being in the fucking sun so much or not spending money on tanning, both of which cost $0, means that you won’t have to spend money repairing your skin.

I’m not sure why I didn’t become a doctor despite the fact that this economics thing just comes so naturally. 

Posted 3 years ago

Time for me to call out idiots.

Dave Zinczenko - The title of this article implies that these foods are all bad, and only available at drive-thrus. As if the sudden ability to walk out of your car and open a door grants the food added vitamins and fat-fighting amino acids that didn’t exist before. This is both false and mind-meltingly stupid. If you want three minutes of your life gone, please read this so you can discover why something called a “2/3 lb. Monster Thickburger” is bad for you, because you obviously couldn’t figure this out from the name alone.

Cisco - Let me understand your business strategy in this one: You bought out a company for a shade over a half a billion dollars that produced one item, decided not to invest any time or money advancing this product (which was head and shoulders flying off of the shelves faster than any other similar item) technologically, yet continued to spend advertising dollars on it, and ultimately declared that you were going to discontinue it because sales were down. That’s probably because unlike Apple, who revamps and improves its product in some manner every single fucking year, you decided to take a shit, wipe your ass with $600 million, and flush it all down the toilet. You managed to run into the ground an item that is still number one in its sales category because you were too busy sitting on your hands, and are now going to leave million of consumers disappointed that something so simple and brilliant is now defunct. Instead of doing that, sell the brand to me for $1, declare me the CEO, and I’ll hire people to make the Flip camera wi-fi accessible. Millions for me, and millions of satisfied consumers later, I’ll have a hot wife with an island named after me that I live on.

This - No.

Birthers - This webpage looks like it was designed and written by a 7th-grader. Also, he’s a natural-born citizen. Meanwhile, John McCain was born on a U.S. Naval base in the Panama Canal, to U.S. parents. I will bet any amount of money I have and will ever earn that this would not be going on if McCain had won the Presidency, even though it is the exact same thing in a different location.

People who genuinely like this - Donate your ears to the Deaf because you have no use for them anymore. You have failed.

This has been me calling out idiots. If you disagree, go fuck yourself San Diego.

Posted 3 years ago

NFL Fan Flowchart. For viewable PDF version, click and zoom.

Posted 3 years ago

I’m not entirely sure (who can ever be certain these days), but I think I may want this as my wedding song.

Posted 3 years ago
Society is produced by our wants, and government by our wickedness.
Thomas Paine, Common Sense
Posted 3 years ago
Needed a hockey pic, since my name is derived from hockey.

Needed a hockey pic, since my name is derived from hockey.

Posted 3 years ago
Posted 3 years ago
'One step across that line, that suggests the line dividing the living from the dead, and unknown sufferings and death. And what is there? and who is there? there, beyond that field and that tree and the roofs with the sunlight on them? No one knows, and one longs to know and dreads crossing that line, and longs to cross it and find out what there is on the other side of the line, just as one must inevitably find what there is on the other side of death. Yet one is strong and well and cheerful and nervously excited, and surrounded by men as strong in the same irritable excitement.' That is how every man, even if he does not think, feels in the sight of the enemy, and that feeling gives a peculiar brilliance and delightful keenness to one's impressions of all that takes place at such moments.
War & Peace, Part Two, Section VIII. Leo Tolstoy.